newattitude

A loss!  I thought I was forever stuck at 235, but this morning, the scale read 232!  YEA!  That’s 35 pounds gone!  That’s the good news.  The bad news is that I always sabotage myself by ‘celebrating’ a loss with an edible ‘reward’.  This morning it was a glazed donut from Shipley.  My co-worker bought some for our team and I felt ‘obligated’ to eat it.  That wasn’t really all that bad because I do allow myself some pleasures.  I don’t completely deprive myself.  But then this evening, I ate TWO hot dogs, one with chili and cheese.  I did use a whole wheat bun and turkey franks, but still I felt guilty afterwards.  Had I stopped there, I would have been okay, but noooooo.  I ate the last of the potatoes I made on Labor Day.  Creamy, cheesy potatoes loaded with calories!  But, I won’t have a pity party.  Tomorrow, I’ll just have to get back to the business of getting healthier!  I will start the day with my daily treadmill workout and go from there.  I will be out of the 230s in no time! 

Why am I so nervous about weighing in tomorrow?  This is insane.  I have done a good job with my eating and I have exercised everyday, so I am expecting a loss.  I will be happy with just one pound…But, if for some reason I gained, I will be CRUSHED!  Fridays are “eat-out” days at work.  I plan to continue to be good by ordering a salad or a low cal/fat meal.  A loss on the scale would give me the boost and motivation I need to stay with my lifestyle change….But, if I have a gain or no loss….Well, let’s just see what the scale says in the morning. 

I wore a pair of pants to work today that I will have to retire….They are waaaay too big!  I can’t believe I actually went to work in those things!  I guess I didn’t look in the mirror this morning! They were dragging the ground.  I could gather about two fistfuls of extra fabric from the thighs.  When I looked in the mirror while in the restroom at work, I was excited because the pants were so loose, but embarassed because they looked pitiful!  The saggy butt thing was awful!  I am still not losing much around the waist, but my hips, thighs and legs are all shedding inches.  My biggest fear is that I’ll look like an egg with skinny legs and arms! LOL…Mrs. Humpty Dumpty!  I have lost a couple of inches around my waist but not nearly enough!  And even though I’m shedding inches, the scale isn’t really moving all that much. I guess I need to revamp my exercise and diet routine.  Oh well…I’ll think about all that tomorrow.  As for right now, I’m taking my saggy butt to bed!

I hope to have lost a couple of pounds when I weigh in tomorrow.  I have done well with my diet and exercise.  I am on the treadmill bright and early every single morning.  I’m gradually working up to more time and a higher incline.  It’s getting a little easier.  It was really tough at first because I’d would have rather starved than exercise.  But, now that I see some progress, I’m more motivated.  I can see my love handles shrinking.  Now, my belly is still rotund, but at least I don’t have the love handles!  LOL…That’s positivity for you!  And the cellulite in my thighs appears to be “melting” too!  So, all this hard work is starting to pay off!  I went shopping with a friend and I decided to try on some jeans at Old Navy.  I told her that if I could wear a 16 comfortably, I’d buy a couple.  What do you know?!  I could actually button the jeans!  They are just a little snug, but they fit!  I usually need at least an 18 at Old Navy and sometimes a 20!  So, in my excitement, I came home and scheduled a Purple Heart pick-up and cleaned out my closet.  I no longer want to wear 18s or 20s so I donated them all to charity.  When I was done, I had 8 bags full of clothing.  My husband observed, but dared not comment.  I know he was thinking about the money it will take to replenish my clothes.  LOL… Now, I am wondering what the heck I am going to wear to work?!  I go back to work tomorrow and I have very few clothes. I’d bought a few tops in a size L as opposed to my usual XL, so I have those.  Other than that, I don’t know. I don’t want to buy too many things because size 16 isn’t my final resting place….But, I do have to buy a few basics to keep me going.  Next week, I can dress casually all week, but after that, it’s professional dress, so I have some time to do some shopping.  I REFUSE to go to Lane Bryant!  LOL…Nothing against Lane Bryant, but I just don’t wanna be restricted to the big girl shops!  Anyway, enough babbling.  I’m going to go and enjoy my last hours of bliss before my summer is officially over and I have to go to work….

In my last blog, I was whining because I felt that I was doing all the right things to lose weight, but to no avail.  I exercise daily for 30 minutes.  Some Buddyslimmers suggested that I increase my exercise to 60 minutes a day, but since I exercise every single day, the 30 minutes is sufficient.  My caloric intake is around 1500 on average.  To lose 2 lbs a week, I can actually eat as much as 1800 a day.  A couple of other buddyslimmers suggested that I make sure to drink lots of water.  I thought about it and realized I’d slacked off on my water intake.  So, I started to drink more water and low and behold, the scale moved!  And it’s still moving!  (I’d actually gained a few pounds over the last few weeks, but didn’t change my tracker because I was so devasted.  But, now I’m actally back to the weight indicated on my weight tracker minus a pound!) So, it’s true….YOU HAVE TO DRINK YOUR WATER!  I think I am back on track now and ready to move forward….again.  Have a great day, Buddyslimmers!

My scale is not moving.  It must be broken.  I do 30 mins of cardio daily.  My calorie intake is between 1200 and 1500. (I only cheated once last Friday.)  But, no weight loss?  What’s up with that?  I think I’ve lost a couple of inches here and there, but I need that scale to move! I haven’t been keeping tracking of my measurements, but maybe I’d better start so that I won’t get discouraged when my scale is not cooperating!

My treadmill was delivered Monday and I ended up having to put it in my bedroom cuz it’s so big.  I really didn’t want to do that cuz I’m so picky about interior design and that big treadmill doesn’t go with my decor!  But, I had to choose between there or the garage.  There wasn’t enough room in the gameroom afterall.  The thing is huge!  Anyway, I wasn’t about to put it in that hot garage.  This Texas heat will have me passed out in there, so my bedroom it is….It’s in a nook near a window, so I guess that’s okay.  This morning, I put on the music choice channel and listened to some old school R&B while I did a weight loss workout on the treadmill.  OMG….I didn’t think I would make it through, but I did.  It has that I-Fit card, which is basically and electronic personal trainer.   For that particular card, it’s some heifer named Heather talking me through the workout….LOL…I couldn’t take the sound of her voice about half way through, so I popped the card out and did the workout on my own!  Anyway, I finished my workout. I’m hoping that my endurance will improve with more exercise.  As soon as my husband puts together the home gym, I’ll add resistance training to my routine.  The treadmill was supposed to be easy assembly, but not for MY man!  You all don’t know how close I came to BOPPING that man on the head with a wrench….He loses his damn mind when he puts stuff together.  I suggested that he actually follow the directions because I was sure that there was a reason why the steps were ordered as they were, but nope.  He knew better and figured his way made more sense.  Naturally, the process took three times as long….What a knuckle head…

 Okay, it’s 6:30 here and I’m about to get ready for bed!  I know it’s super early, but I’m exhausted…We spent the entire day cleaning my son’s room.  Lord….I just don’t know what to say.  I try.  I thought I was doing a better job of raising him, but my son’s room was…..just…..filthy.  I need a maid just for his room.  I ended up washing EVERYTHING in there….even his curtains.  We even had to go and buy paint to touch up the wall where he’d been shooting hoops?  Against the wall?  There’s no goal in there…I’m gonna clean his bathroom tomorrow….I may need a gas mask…

Okay…So, I joined the local YMCA to start an exercise regimen to accompany my healthier diet.  I chose to go to the Y because those mega gyms are way too intimidating.  There are always lots of people there with already fabulous bodies.  I had some good workouts at the Y, but the problem is that it is an inconvenience to get there.  It’s quite a distance from my home.  It takes about 30 minutes to get there with the road construction in my area.  And, if I’m leaving from work, it takes even longer. Also, my husband works nights and my going to the gym after work would cut into his sleep time since he’d be home with my children.  Who would make dinner every day after work if I’m at the gym?  My husband is great with helping around the house with laundry and cleaning, but he doesn’t cook.  (THANK GOD!  I’ve eaten his cooking before…..)  And I want to be home with my children to help with homework ….  And I want to be able to workout five days a week.  So, this Y thing is just not for me.   I thought about sucking it up and joining the 24 Hour Fitness or Pure Fitness that are much closer to me.  This would save a little time, but still my husband’s and my competing schedules are an issue.  So, this sounds like a bunch of excuses as to why I can’t work out, right?  Yea, it probably does.  But the truth is I am still committed to my lifestyle change.  I am finally doing this the right way and I plan to keep on keeping on! 

 So, here’s the plan…

My husband and I purchased a treadmill and strength training home gym.  I’m super excited about it!  They will both be delivered today.  They are a big investment costing about $2500, but it’s worth it.  If exercise is an inconvenient chore, I’m less likely to do it.  So, with my equipment at home, I’ll be able to get 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening with little interruption to my family’s lifestyle.  I’m still not sure where we will put the new equipment yet.  I am debating on whether I want to turn the guest bedroom into a gym or put everything into the game room.  The game room is pretty crowded with the the kids air hockey game and the poker table, but I think we can make it work.  Anyway, about the new equipment…. We chose a really sturdy, commercial-grade treadmill by Nordictrack.  And the home gym is a BioForce machine.  It does every single thing that the machines at the Y do.  You can do about 100 different strength training exercises using that machine.  It even has an attachment to do ab crunches.  It’s great!  And it’s safer for my 13 yr old son to use because it uses resistance bands instead of weights.  So, we don’t have to worry about spotting him when he’s working out.  (Actually, we do need to watch him to make sure he’s actually working out.  That boy is so damn skinny!  He eats tons but I have no idea where it goes!)  Anway, with all that said, I think my weight loss efforts will improve once we get our home gym set up….

As I said, our equipment will be delivered today.  My husband will be assembling it all because he didn’t want to pay for PROFESSIONALS to do it.  My thought was since we are already spending $2500, what’s another couple hundred?  But, nooooooo, I am being ridiculous.  He is perfectly capable of putting it together!  So, I think I will check in to a hotel with the kids until he gets the gym put together! Just kidding!  LOL!  He becomes a total ASS when he is putting stuff together or fixing something at home!  I try to hang around to help out, but that’s disastrous.  He expects me to be able to read his mind.  Instead of telling me he needs a wrench or screwdriver, he expects me to already know! Hell, I don’t know!  And then he gets irritated when I just watch.  So…damned if I do….Damned if I don’t.  LOL …So, I’ll just stay away and let him get it done.  I just wish I could install a hidden camera so I can laugh at him.  He’ll get so frustrated and start to invent new cuss words…LOL….

Okay….this is a long blog. You’re probably tired of reading by now.  So, I’ll let you go and enjoy your day.  Oh, one more thing….I lost another pound!  I even ate cake this weekend!  It’s about control, not deprivation!  I can still eat what I want in moderation.  And with more exercise, thanks to my new home gym,  I’ll  soon have a body to be proud of…

That about sums up my day thus far.  I didn’t have breakfast and had a craving for a burger for lunch.  My intention was to get a small hamburger from McDonalds but when I got to the drive-thru, hubby decided that he wanted to try the new angus burger. So did I.   But, not just the burger though….The COMBO.  Had I gotten the burger and water, I wouldn’t feel so bad.  But, nooooo.  I had to have the fries and soda.  1340 calories in all for ONE MEAL.  That’s my calorie allowance for today.  I may be able to snack on a pickle or something later, but that’s it.  I’ll drink plenty of water, but nothing more.  I feel bad about falling off the wagon….But, you know….It sure in the hell was worth it!  LOL….That burger was sinfully good!  The fries weren’t that great, but I still ate them all….It was worth the sacrifice.  I can deal with not eating anything else today.  I’ll let you know how I did…:)

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed that my clothes are fitting a bit looser.  I hadn’t really given much thought to it.  I just blew it off…Probably because I’ve lost weight in the past only to gain it back and then some…..But, this morning, I let it sink in….I’m actually losing weight the right way.  I had to fold over the waist of my shorts to keep them from slipping down.  I have been reluctant to allow myself to celebrate my weight loss….I don’t tell people how much weight I’ve lost for fear that they will say something like, “I hope you aren’t stopping there!” or “You must have lost some hair off your head ‘cuz it sure doesn’t look like you’ve lost 27 pounds!” or, even better…”I found the 27 pounds you lost….Turn around and look in the mirror!”  LOL …That’s not funny, huh?  LOL….

A few years ago I’d be drowning in self-pity….Eating more as a way to alleviate my self-pity and gaining more and more weight.  That’s not the way to go.  I have to be happy with what I have in life.  Happy with what I’ve accomplished. Sure, I am overweight.  But my weight doesn’t define me.  I’m not any less of a person…Actually I am much MORE of a person…(Another fat joke…couldn’t resist) I’ve accepted that my extra weight is just an accessory…I can remove it without changing the person I am on the inside.  Sure, I will be more confident with my outer appearance, but the person I am won’t change.  I’d like to think that the best part of me is my willingness to give of myself, my compassion for others, the love I have in my heart and the people in my life who make it easy to be the person I’ve become.  Even those people in my life who present challenges add to my character.  I think my self-discovery has evolved as I’ve matured.  This weight-loss journey has also helped.  I see life differently.  Yes, I want to lose weight to be healthier.  Yes, I want to walk past the Lane Bryant and Avenue and into Ann Taylor…and I will.  But it’s not an urgent need.  I will get there slowly without sacrificing my quality of life.  I’m learning to make healthy food choices.  I’m learning to enjoy exercise.  I’m learning that deprivation leads to disaster. I’m learning that I have a man and children who love me despite my outer appearance.  I’m learning that I love me despite my outer appearance.  I’m learning that I am not in this alone.  I’m learning that food is not a comforter.  I’m learning that happiness comes from within.  I’m learning to appreciate every day I have on this earth.  I’m learning that I am in control of my weight.  I’m learning that my scale is a measure of my weight…not my worth.  (Wow, that was profound, huh? LOL) 

 Okay, enough philosophy!  I am just in a good place right now…Even though I have a LONG way to go with my weight loss, I’m going to remain positive.  I will celebrate every success, big and small! I’ve overcome lots of adversity in my life…This is just one more hurdle I have to get over.  It’s been a life-long deterrent, but not any more…I feel energized and motivated…For some strange reason, I have the urge to listen to Michael Jackson’s song–BAD…LOL  I know ya’ll are all sick of hearing about Michael Jackson by now, but u know the song, right?  LOL…I don’t know what the hell Mike was saying through most of the song, but I know  the most important part of the song….I’m BAD!